For quite some time I have debated as to whether to post on July 21st of this year about something that happened in my life. I want it to be used to show God's faithfulness and love as well as help others who have dealt with this trial and help others who know others who go through this particular trial. I'll just start with my story.

Two years ago I was 18 weeks pregnant (4 1/2 months). While this baby was absolutely not planned, I had become excited about having a new little person in our family, due to join us in December. On Friday, July 21st Jose and I excitedly went to our ultrasound appointment eager to learn the sex of our new baby and see him/her on the screen. I went in and almost knew immediately that something wasn't right just by watching the technician's face. She took a long time doing measurements and just watching the screen. She brought Jose in to the room and then excused herself to bring in another tech. They both excused themselves for a good half hour (which seemed like an eternity). I tried getting information from her but of course she can't tell me anything. We were sent right away to see the doctor where I learned that my baby had stopped growing and died. I was totally shocked. I had lost my very first baby in 2001 at 7 weeks, so I was always relieved to make it through my first trimester during my subsequent pregnancies, feeling like everything was A-ok past 12 weeks. When I asked the doctor if I would miscarry naturally he said "no", as the baby had already been deceased a couple of weeks and it seemed my body (or brain) was not getting the message. So I assumed a D&C would be ordered. Nope...the baby was too big for that. So I asked, "So I have to give birth to my dead baby?". Yep. I was soooo not prepared for this. The doctor encouraged me to immediately check into the hospital to induce labor. We did.

The first response of the nurse when I walked in to L&D was "you don't look ready (meaning my size) to give birth". I was speechless. After another nurse informed her who I was and the update from my doctor she apologized and got me set up. Another nurse was assigned to me who I will never forget. She was so sympathetic and gave Jose and I time to just be together and process all the information that was given to us. Once a room became available I was admitted and they started my IV. Well, what I learned is that the labor could take up to 24 hours. It took 19. All the rest of Friday physically was not bad. My two sister-in-laws came to just sit with us. Later that evening our dear friends, Chris and Melanie, came to sit with us and be a support. I will never forget how uplifting they were. My dear friend, Tami, also dropped what she was doing to come sit with me. The Lord totally knew what I needed as Tami and Mel and me laughed our heads off that night, talking about things completely unrelated to what was going on. This may sound very odd...but I actually had a fun time. Only the Lord could orchestrate that. Then all of a sudden just before midnight the pain set in. I very quickly kicked out my guests after they prayed for us (which I knew they fully understood my being so abrupt).

That was the worst night ever. My baby may have been so very little, but that pain compared to having my 9 lb. babies And may I say that morphine does not numb the pain, only my mind. The baby just would not be delivered. After the doctor tried and tried, the baby still would not come. Finally in the morning my fabulous nurse somehow made it happen. Our baby was a little girl. Her name is Elizabeth, meaning "consecrated to God", and that she is. Jose and I were able to hold her and grieve for some time. They even wrapped her in a little knit blanket and she had a tiny hat, which I keep her in "Elizabeth Box" in my closet. You know, this miscarriage was actually easier on me than the first one. This moment of holding her allowed me to say hello and goodbye. It turned out I still needed a D&C and had to stay in the hospital for one more night to get my blood pressure at the right level. I could not wait to get home and hold my daughters.

The Lord was faithful to heal my heart. Three days after I got out of the hospital I went to our church's anniversary service. It was exactly what I needed. The worship was incredible and I have to say that no matter what trial I'm going through, singing to the Lord, giving Him worship and praise, and taking my eyes off of me truly heals my heart. The song that I remember most from that night is "You Are So Good To Me". It was medicine for my soul.

This passed weekend I got to spend my time at an amazing conference called "Women Discipling Women". Our aunt, Leti, came also and we both felt like we feasted on God's truths and were instructed in righteousness. I'm sure some of the studies I was blessed with will be shared and reflected in the near future on my blog. One of the seminars that was offered was on miscarriage, stillbirth, and early-infant death. I did not attend because there were some others I wanted to hear in person, but I have the outline and there are some very practical helpful hints to minister to women experiencing this in their lives. I thought I would share them because I've been in both positions (the one minstering and the one being ministered to). I hope this can help someone.

Things NOT to do or say when someone has experienced a loss:

• "You'll have another baby."
• Talk about or bring up things about another person's baby
• Quit calling or avoid them.
• "It was just a miscarriage--its better because you didn't feel the baby move"
• "The baby was probably deformed--it may have been a lot of headache for you."
• "I didn't feel it was the right thing for you to have a baby anyway."
• "God may be punishing you."
• "Is there sin in your life?"
• "The baby is in a better place."
• "You exercised too much--maybe you didn't eat enough______"
• "It was God's will."
• "I understand what you are going through." (Even if you've dealt with fertility issues yourself, no one but Jesus can truly understand what another person is going through. Each person's situation is unique."
• "You need to get over this. You have felt this way too long." (Maybe it has only been a few months. It takes a lot of time to grieve. The Bible says in Psalm 23 that we "...walk through the valley of the shadow of death." Psalm 27:13 says..."belief in God's goodness keeps us from despair.")

Things TO do or say when someone has experienced a loss:

• Visit them--bring them a gift: balloons, a meal, flowers to plant, offer to keep their children, etc. Let your genuine care and concern show.
• Send a memorial in memory of her child.
• Ask what they named the baby/child if it was delivered and they know the sex of the baby--Refer to them by name.
• You may want to make a memorial gift to a ministry or organization in your baby's name.
• Call periodically just to chat--maybe pray with them over the phone.
• Take her out shopping or to eat and talk about what you can do together.
• Do not hesitate to bring up her loss.
• Take her to a women's conference/meeting that you know will be uplifting.
• Buy her a book (maybe one from Caleb's Ministries' Recommended Book List). Maybe read it also to understand more of what she is going through. see http://www.calebministries.org/
• Let her talk--be a good listener/hugger/compassionate caregiver.
• Encourage her in the grief. Know what the situation is (miscarriage, stillbirth, early infant death, infertility) and call it that.

I hope some of this information is helpful.